The View from the other side of the fence

Well Here we are,
I am in a weird mindset, that is changing hourly , so it seems.
I want to give some backdrop...
When My oldest son was born, he is now just about 12, I knew that I wasnt ever going to send him to school. I knew I would never send any of my children to school.
When My oldest was two...I started him in on a pretty organized school day. He had certain times and things to do through the day, lots of play time and lots of down time, but some structure as well.
It never felt right...
Sometime during the year 2000, I decided that this was now how I wanted to do things, so I went out searching for other options. I found Unschooling and fell in love with it form the start. I was an attachment parent, a co-sleeper, a vegetarian, a very natural crunchy type..lol..so it sort of fit into what we were doing. For years and two more children we continued this way...then something changed...I dont know what it was....but some nagging thing started to pull at me that said...oh my god you NEED formal studies, you need grades, their never going to go anywhere..oh my god. I freaked out...and about 3 years ago, on and off, we have been using formal workbooks and studies. It has never felt right. There are lots of reasons I THINK it never felt right. A few of them are because of the grades and my children feeling badly about themselves becuase they think they could have done better. I don't like how much time it takes, when they could be out exploring their own world and getting to know themselves. I dont like the pressure. somethings I have never been able to work under. we had been the token unschooler, token radical unschooler in all of our homeschooling groups.....then I panicked...
Today...I am done panicking . I am done with the pressure. I just want to live my life and see my children live their lives in a very free and open way.
I am scared about letting it all go...but I think that the formal stuff was more for me, and making me feel needed and wanted then for them. I freaked out, I think , because I was worried that I didn't have a place, what was my job as a homschooling mom, if it wasn't to teach. I needed to unschool myself, and to have faith in my children. I didn't....but I do.
I am ready to step back and see what happens and just hold onto the fact that I love my children, I love learning and they do to.
This is going to change a little bit. I started it to show what we were doing in a day, and it will still have a little bit of that kind of spin to it. But I am also going to use this journal as a bit of a place for me to vent and to share my thoughts and ideas.
I have come in and out of unschooling so many times, because it feels so right when I am doing it. I dont want to freak out anymore ,and I want to have faith in what were doing.
Instead of freaking out, I think I will come here and say my bit, and keep it with myself.
So here I am...here WE are...
This is our journey....